Posted in Food, Healing

Body Language

OK, I surrender! I hear you loud and clear.

Then…I feel better and back to the sugar, coffee and bad eating habits I go.

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Man! Will I ever listen?

Posted in Hope, Writing

Endurance

As I run…shedding tattered, bruised, no longer fitting old skin. Embrace a freedom freely given at a cost I cannot understand. Laying prostrate…wet falling from a gratitude welling. Breathless, deep, guttural “thank you” pales

Posted in Domestic Abuse, GRIEF, Trauma

Leaving is a process

woman looking at sea while sitting on beachWhy do some days seem so empty… the harshness of such loss has no words. This divorce was more…a death of a person I used to know, or I thought I knew. Not without 3 years of torment, anguish, abuse, shattered heart, tortured spirit, broken trust… even trust in myself, my judgement. I am the one, after all, that continued to put myself in harms way.

This time is different. His pleas for forgiveness are real… this time, his tears are real. What keeps the heart bound to an abuser? But he loves me, he tells me continually. Words…empty. Actions…screaming.

How long must leaving take?

 

Posted in Trauma, Writing

Abandoned

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Crying out blindly
Hoping someone will see
you drowning…

“Stepped out of line”,
I heard one say,
“I never would have asked that way”
frowning…

Fingers pointing, judgement calls
Job’s good friends
repeating

“Must have been
Something you’ve done”
echoed in their greeting

 

Posted in PTSD, Trauma

Coming Out of the Dark

Another “New Year” has passed. Seasons come and go. Life changes… sometimes easily, sometimes traumatically. Ten years have passed since what I believed to be my happily ever after fairy-tale began. Two years have passed since all of that was shattered and I plummeted into what I believe to be the closest thing to hell in this life.

Thankfully, I have developed a great relationship with God. I would not be alive had I not. Of that I am very sure.

I feel a nudge in my spirit to write about this pretty recent ordeal because I believe God is going to use it to help someone else who is going through or been through a traumatic experience.

PHASE ONE

First Step….BREATHE! Breathe in as you count 1…2…3…4… slowly exhale and repeat. Deep breaths help keep oxygen flowing to all the places you feel want to shut down. I know it sounds so trivial, shallow, and not very important at this juncture since your whole world has been shattered and there is no solid foundation to steady your feet. Balance? It will come in time.

Second Step: HOLD ON! When the very life in you feels like it is seeping slowly away and you are a heartbeat away from closing your eyes and shutting down, DON’T!

Third Step: PRAY! I know that many would disagree and say this should be first, but when you don’t feel like breathing any longer, THAT becomes immediate. When you have no words coming…simply say Jesus! His name alone changes the atmosphere. It is true. Repeat as necessary. I have had to repeat His name continually as I would scream, cry, shake, hit the steering wheel of my car, yes it hits when your driving too.

This is what I had to remind myself to do on a second by second basis…one day at a time, until PHASE TWO…

Posted in Hope, Spirituality, Writing

Stones for Remembering…

Prelude to epiphany

…my path to recovery

Remember? Can you see…? I (AM) was there. (Here) Always here. So difficult to scrape the mire from the physical, as you press in to pristine clarity of the spiritual. Easy to allow yourself to get bogged down, held down, tied down, chained captive. It’s no wonder memory fails.

The mind plays tricks. Feels heavy. Dark places lurk. Cobwebs of painful memories choke. Release the black cloak. Let it fall…drift away into the abyss of nothingness. Step forward into the light. Warm washes over wounds. Stay…

Stay here with me child, daughter, son, love, my love.

Yes, My love is what you crave… remember?…

Posted in Art, Music, Writing

First Love Returns

Guitar

It’s been too long… since I held you, caressed you and listened as you sang to me. Your body pressed firm against mine. Vibration becomes melody becomes release. You have been my love for a very long time. My best friend, my therapist, the fullness of expression of my deepest depths. I walked away, left you cold. Time passes, silenced voices, broken heart, shattered dreams. I feel an uprising ahead…